This weekend I received a cry for help call from a dear friend who was feeling so low that she wanted to end her life…Many people judged her but it’s not what she needed. No one knows how anyone is truly feeling and what causes them to feel so low that they want to end their own life. I for one do so I was able to hold space for my friend, without judgement and just be there for her. I didn’t run to her defence in fear because I understood. Her family, on the other hand, are very annoyed with her. She is a single beautiful mum with a young boy and owner of a growing, inspiring business so why didn’t they understand her pain? Sometimes we just need to be there for people rather than offer solutions, sometimes we just need to be that safe shoulder to cry on so that they can let it all out. We do not need to be judged no matter what is going on but I understand why her family did and I send them all love, light and healing at this time because it’s not their fault or for me to judge them because they have not walked in her shoes and I have not walked in theirs. We never know, no matter how close we are to them, why people do or say things. If we get annoyed or upset frankly we need to look within to see why this is triggering us so much. What’s my learning here? Yes, they were fearful, I get that, fearful of losing her but reacting with anger and seclusion is not the answer. But why did this trigger me?
Well, I have been there, I was in such a dark place in the fall of 2007. All I ever wanted was to settle down get married and have children. I bounced from one unhealthy relationship to the next wanting someone to love me when what I really needed was to love myself, but I didn’t know that then. I met a guy, the wrong guy for me at the time (although we could argue that I grew massively from this experience) and it was one of those ‘love at 1st sight’ moments when we met which I now know to be our soul connection as I recognised him. It was the wrong place, wrong time and probably the wrong lifetime but I was not as in tune with myself as I am now so I misread the signals and got involved with someone with worse issues than me lol ( I don’t judge him either) and as a result on Halloween night in 2007 as I listened to the sound of fireworks and cancelled my party invitation to go out (peacock costume lying on the bed lol!) and I decided I just couldn’t go on. How could I allow someone to take my power away I say to myself now? (judgement) Why did I not seek help? (judgement). Sometimes it’s just not that simple, all I wanted was my head to be quiet, I longed for peace and this seemed like the easiest solution at the time so yes I understood how my friend was feeling. I wasn’t the person I am now as I would not even consider that option again but I have to honour and accept me 11 years younger and not judge my younger self. I am writing this blog post to do just that, honour her and let go of the shame and hopefully, it will help others to do the same.
That night I felt very in control (something I like as my husband will agree with) I had written about 10 suicide notes to all those close to me so they wouldn’t feel responsible or guilty for not noticing the signs about 2 weeks prior. I took 60 pills that night and lay down on the bed but peace was not what I felt. As the drugs penetrated my bloodstream my heart started racing. I was in fear so I prayed for help and then my best friend sent me a text and she just knew to send my flatmate home from work ( I didn’t even need to answer). As I write this the tears are flowing, I thought I had healed my 29-year-old self because I feel in such a good place so this is good to release more. I accept these tears, I accept this release. I accept my current-year-old self 11 years later (no co-incidence this is an 11 energy year) for having the bravery to talk about this now. The next morning I woke up in the hospital bed and there was a sign at my bed, I never read it but it signalled me out as the nurses and student nurses spoke to everyone else except me and I received many strange looks….why do we need the separation, the shame in this society? I had been sick all night, it was not pleasant so please do not practice this at home…we need humour I hear the voice say!! Talk to someone, anyone, contact me and I will be there if I can. It’s not that I didn’t have anyone around that loved me I know I did but I felt so different, so isolated for having all these feelings (and had done from such a young child) that no one understood me and they didn’t know what to say or do so it was easier to get annoyed with me and tell me to wise up. I had no phone, no money and my flatmate had gone abroad for a holiday in the middle of the night so I put on my tough girl voice and phoned one of the only two landline numbers I had in my head, my granny. The other was my mum but we had been estranged for 3 months and hadn’t spoken. I asked her for my dads mobile and she knew I wasn’t myself but as the lady, she is or was (as she passed this January 2018) she didn’t push it. My dad, needless to say was devastated and I hated myself for having to tell him that his daughter hated her life so much and didn’t call him as I always did in the past. But he didn’t judge me. My mum phoned me and I didn’t understand her at the time but I totally do now and it’s not her fault as she is a wonderful lady, she has just had a tough time growing up. Her words grated on me for many years….”why on earth would you go and do a stupid thing like that?” and reminded me of how lucky I was and asked me what was so bad about my life. I just wept on the other end.
Right there is the shame, the shame that many of us have been brought up with, and their fathers and mothers before us…passed down through generations. When my kids came along I would catch myself doing it ‘you should know better being the oldest’, ‘can you not eat without spilling your food’, ‘how do you think that makes me feel’. I work on this every day. I used to bite my tongue as a child and yes I was told to ‘shut up’ a lot but it was also the shame, I must be a good girl to make my mum and dad happy. I must ignore my own feelings and emotions to keep the peace so they don’t get cross. My husband is more self-aware than he will ever admit and when we had our first child he drilled into me to never say to Ava (our eldest) ‘your a bad girl’ but rather ‘you have done a bad thing’ so that she wasn’t shamed. It took me a while to understand its true meaning and its never too late to course correct. Today I held a 2-month baby boy in my clinic and as I looked down I could feel me wishing I could do it all again knowing the information that I do now, oh how I would have the perfect children and be the perfect mother and then I stopped. Practice what you preach here Leigh, this mother is in here with you struggling to do just that, to control every minute as I did, to be the perfect wife, mother and daughter as I did but it’s not really so guide and help her and that just what I did. My children (or rather their soul) choose me as their mother, warts and all, they chose this life experience that has had its ups and downs for a reason. Just like I chose my mum and dad. For years I wanted them to be a certain way to do what a mum and dad should do and I judged them for not doing it, I blamed them, or rather my inner child blamed them. Now I have forgiven, I have set them and myself free and funnily enough they have started to act the way I wanted them to act along long without me trying to control them or the situation.
So why am I talking about this now….release yes but awareness too! We surf on social media and it appears we all lead such happy lives that we all have got it so together and some of us do some of the time but I feel we are all on this rollercoaster we call life and yes I am a wellbeing coach but it’s my experiences that enable me to help people as I have walked in their shoes and came out the other end. We need to address mental health and not just for adults. I left the hospital that day and got a letter 12 months later asking me if I wanted to come and talk to someone about what happened, no one came near me – 12 months!! Now I’m sure that is not a normal case, I hope not but I have seen girls as young as 8 or 9 in my clinic with depression, suppressed moods and low self-esteem and we need to help them. We need to, as a nation of people and parents, recognise alternative therapies in their own right and work together with doctors. How did I rebuild my life? I started feeling my emotions, I started looking at my diet, I started soul searching, I had regular reiki sessions, I had massages, I listened to spiritual gurus on utube (love Wayne Dwyer and his humour as most lost their way in the beginning), I found my tribe, I started to love myself but it took time. The health service wasn’t there for me 11 years ago and I am not against them at all as I think they do good work, they are just tied and under staffed so lets work together, I am actually thankful to them otherwise I would not have found my way home. I don’t want people to have to hit rock bottom first. We need less control and more love. We need to be more open to alternative therapies and provide funding for people to who want to help themselves. My friend who was so low this weekend has temporarily lost her child, she has no money, yes she is on medication (but she needs it right now to get her through) she needs a plan, she needs hope. I have agreed to have a weekly call with her, she has also found another therapist to do the same and now she can see the light and her family are willing to pay for it so there is a silver lining always…I say to my clients always look for the miracle, ask for a sign and pay attention. The answers are everywhere, the answers are within. That is all she needs is a glimmer of hope and support.
I was going to say that I am a different person now but I am the same, I have just woken up, I have accepted and loved me as me I have let go of the little girl who just wants to be liked and please. Yes at times my mood dips (nothing like where I was 11 years ago) but I now have the tools and understanding to get through. I trust my faith, I am open and honest about my beliefs, yes I hear voices in my head but now I listen. Some say they are angels, some say we have guides and some say it’s our subconscious mind. Frankly, I don’t need to name them. I don’t need scientific proof. I ask, I listen and I act and miracles happen it’s as simple as that. I now know that little girl in me with the massive heart was so sensitive to her emotions and everyone else’s emotions around her and it now makes me an amazing therapist and healer. The little 2 month in my clinic today is the same. I just held him for 15 mins and he released so much through me, blocked energy, if you like, that he was picking up on around family stress. I am there for my kids now as they are sensitive. I talk to them about emotions. I allow them to be angry, to be sad and I help them through it. I don’t want my kids to feel different, feel shamed, feel they need to hide who they truly are, I don’t want to put them in a box because society says so.I want them to be free so they don’t stuff emotions down and then suffer from mental health problems.
I am launching and coming out as my true self-today on the 11th of April with my new website, honouring the gifts that God gave me, taking the baton I have been given to bring more light into this world and talking about my experiences to let others know that they are not alone. I know some of you follow me as My Nutritional Pal but that is only one string to my bow. Those who have been to me know my sessions go much deeper than that now, I hear and connect with spirit, I intuitively know what areas are out of balance in the body. Usually, I feel it in my own body before my client arrives. Every session is different and I cannot predict or control. The body, mind and soul will only allow what you are ready to look at and release so it’s nothing to be feared. Its a journey that I have been on myself and I thank myself every day for feeling such that I never felt as a child or even 5 years ago, for that matter. I know know that my mental health is just my sensitivity because I am a light worker, I can sense things and there are many of us, especially the beautiful children being born today so be patient with them, all they need is love really….I trust the universe has my back and yours. Namaste